Buddha just sits

My mom passed away on an October evening in 2013. By the time, we brought her mortal remains home, it was around 9.30 in the night. Or may be 10 O clock. I can’t really remember now. Both my brothers-in-laws were abroad then. In Odisha, we don’t do cremation after sunset. So, we were supposed to keep vigil that night and be with my mother’s mortal remains.

My 70-year-old maternal aunt took an almost three hour road journey that evening (after she received the news of my mother passing away) to be with us. When she hugged me, she told me, “I will never get another chance to sit with your mother again. We all will sit together tonight.”

What stayed with me of that long, painful night is – how valuable is the art of sitting with a person who’s grieving deeply. My mother had a special rapport with all the women who worked in our home and my sister’s home (she’s our next door neighbour). That night, all the three women who have been a part of our household sat together with us. When we told them to go back to their house and take rest, they told us, “We will sit with Ma (mother) and you tonight. If we won’t sit tonight with you and Ma then what’s are we for?” They all had families and young children to look after and yet they sat with us in moments of our deep grief and loss. The image of these women sitting by my mom’s mortal remains and praying for her soul to have a smooth transition to the other world is an image I will carry in my heart forever. My interactions with them are limited to once in a year when I visit home but whenever I think of their kind act of sitting with us that night, I can only feel gratitude in my heart.

The COVID-19 pandemic has made us realise the importance of human connections. In our hearts, we now know how important it’s to have the support of each other. All that we can offer another human being is our presence and love. There’s no need to say anything. Just be there. Your presence is enough for a person grieving. You don’t even have to be on the same mental wavelength. Just sit there. Like the women who sat with me that night. They did not offer me any word of consolation. But their presence gave me a strange sense of strength to sail through the longest and loneliest night of my life.

Recently, I came across this beautiful story shared by a senior advertisement professional on Twitter.

When a child dies, Buddha goes and sits next to the grieving mother. He does not talk. All he does is sit. That’s it. He keeps sitting till the mother finds the strength to let go of the child’s dead body.

p.s This story reaffirms my belief in just sitting with a grieving person. Let us not give this superficial rational modern explanation – “I don’t know what to say to a person in grief.” You need not say anything. Just sit… like the Buddha.

2019 Wisdom

(A very happy and prosperous 2019 — From Gypsy on qwerty key board)

I have been thinking to write a post for quite some time. But somehow, I just couldn’t find the time to sit quietly and write it. How do I start the first post of 2019? Well, I owe this post to my friend A. 

A… is one of my close friends and I have known him for almost 25 years. He writes beautifully on cinema, sports and life and is a published author. A recently went to Bhutan on an official trip. When we talked after his trip, I asked him excitedly, “Did you go to the Tiger Nest monastery?’ (I know, it’s a real tough trek). What he told me in answer to my question has stayed with me and the wisdom in what he said is relevant to many of us. I am putting his words in the following lines.  Over to A.

“On the day of the Tiger Nest trek, I stood at the starting point and told to myself, ‘Listen A, all your life you have never gone on a trek. So, at this stage of your life why do you want to do something just to impress your boss and probably your colleagues. Why should not you be just yourself and give the trek a miss and enjoy the other beautiful experiences offered by Bhutan. After this conversation with myself, I felt good and then there was no need to impress anybody. They say, the Tiger Nest trek gives you a fascinating view of Bhutan and the view is really breath-taking. Many people consider this trek as a spiritual experience. But what surprised me was that when my team members came back after the trek, none of them talked about the view or the soul-elevating experience. All that they were talking was how some team members could not manage the trek, how miserable some people were and how some people really huffed and puffed with no end result. They were interested in talking about other people’s misery rather than the view, the beauty of the trek, the unique experience, the nuances and the like. So, my point in life is do what your heart says. You need not do anything to impress anybody.  If you do something in a superficial way, you will never enjoy the experience as it will be a manufactured one.”

So, here’s to 2019, life and my friend A’s mantra of listening to one’s inner voice and living  life by one’s core values. Not by other people’s approval. If you listen to yourself intently, you will always know the answer. So, be mindful in 2019 and listen to your heart. Have a wonderful year.