Love it, hate it… but it’s difficult to ignore it. The ‘F’ (Read Facebook) word is now a part of our urban contemporary world. Facebook is a lethal combo of two nice ‘four-letter’ words (dirty minds, please go and watch Delhi Belly). I am talking about ‘face’ and ‘book’. Facebook gives you a peek into people’s personality. I love Facebook cause it gives me much food for thought.I wish I could go back to my university days and write a term-paper on this exciting networking site and understanding of human behaviour. It seems difficult right now to go back and hence comes this blog.
Show offs: They are the ones who are always working hard 24X7 to show off. So, even if they are having mooli paratha for breakfast, the status update will show that “French marmalade on buttered toast, sausages, scrambled eggs and freshly brewed coffee for breakfast…. Sheer bliss.” And there are ‘smart’ ones who pretend to be understated when they put a status message — “Just back from Goa. Already missing it.” But somewhere in the comments, they will mention that “ohh, Leela/Taj Exotica (on most occasions it’s a free trip, thanks to some corporate workshop/junket and the like) was so nice. The property is sooo good.” (But then aren’t high-end hotels supposed to be nice? What’s so new about this mind-blowing discovery?) Moreover, now that we see every Ravinder, Parvinder, Jignesh bhai and Mukesh Bhai travelling and enjoying holidays in Sao Paulo, Paris and Cairo, showing to the world that what a ‘five-star’ holiday you had in Goa is so very pedestrian. Get a life, darling!
Wannabes: I have had my fair share of ‘meeting wannabes’, thanks to my long years in the media world. Now, I see them all over Facebook with status updates like “Off to airport.” “Just arrived in Mumbai… waiting for my checked-in baggage.” Will somebody please tell him/her that in times of low-cost airlines, airports are the new State Transport bus stations. And then there are ones who say that “Remembering my trip to Singapore in 2008.” There will be some picture of him/her standing next to a parrot or a monkey in a park. And not to talk about wannabe writers/painters/photographers who put blogs/sketch/photograph just to grab some attention. So that they can have an orgasm even without having a partner. And God forbid, if some of their work is published, then there’s no running away from them for days together. You are condemned to suffer for being their FB friend.
Compulsive compliment seekers: They are the ones who will put a status update like “Do I need a haircut?” I never thought that one needs to seek advice/suggestions on whether to go for a hair-cut or not. But they are the ones who are in search of comments like (read complements), “You are so beautiful…I love your long hair… don’t cut it.” And there are souls who put some shitty third-rate five line ramblings (mostly in Hindi) and try hard to pass it as poem. Of course there are jerks who write comments like “Oh, my pretty poetess.. I so very love this.” Hello, if you don’t know what’s great poetry, start reading Pablo Neruda, Rumi and Amrita Pritam. And ‘pretty poetess’, if you can just scribble your random thoughts on your toilet paper and flush it down in your loo, you will do a great service to your virtual friends.
Limited vocabulary: There are some whose vocabulary is like a third-world economy with little scope for improvement for next fifty years. At the risk of sounding repetitive, I can’t help but mention those gem-like words: Amazing, Awesome, Great, Gorgeous and of course Lol with !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything is ‘awesome’ for them… those idiots who think that they are always on a higher plane, they prefer expressions like ‘epitome of awesomeness!!!!!!’. I really can’t understand why they are in a perpetual ‘exclamation’ state of mind. Will somebody please organise a meditation workshop with an in-built session on ‘improve your word power’ for these hapless souls?
Likes and superlikes: God save those souls who thought of adding ‘like’ button to Facebook. Little did they realise they have let loose a raging bull on Facebook. All in the name of ‘like’. Everybody ‘likes’ everything and anything. So, never mind even if a status update says ‘M F Husain dead/Bomb blast in Mumbai’, there are ignorant souls who will like the status message. Or just sample this : One gal put a status message saying, “Mom’s in hospital.’ And there were 38 people who ‘liked’ it. This definitely shows neither people ‘like’ her nor they ‘like’ her mother. But they certainly ‘like’ her status. Take a wise step, if nobody likes your comment within five minutes (that’s like 50 years in virtual world), please go ahead and like your own status. Self-help is best help. Remember, Gandhiji also believed in that.
Snobby souls: They think that they are from some exotic planet. So, every single slide of their life no matter how ancient it’s deserves an Oscar award. So, they will painstakingly go through their yellowing almost torn albums, take out pictures clicked while they were still in their nappies, scan those pictures and put it on FB. The buck doesn’t stop there. There will be a vivid description about how their Ma/Papa clicked these pictures with some high-sounding Nikon/Canon camera and the nappies were bought by their loving dad during his trip to England in the 1950s (when very few even went to visit Vaishno Devi temple in Jammu/ Shiridi). And there will be enough jobless souls forever ready to put comments like, “Chhhhhho sweettt… you have not changed!!!!!!!!’ Hello, it’s time for you to go to Shankar Netralaya and check your eye-sight. What do you mean, “you haven’t changed… (is she still in her nappies even though she’s in her early 50s).
We are so happy: Studies are showing that now in India, all is not well on the marital front. Extra-marital affairs are on the rise. So also divorces and some are blaming FB for it too (how silly they can be). We are developing as a nation and that makes me happy. After all, monogamy is so damn boring. But thanks to insecure minds, PDA is definitely on the rise in Facebook. Never mind, even if you and your spouse can’t manage to be in one room for 10 minutes without a Tsunami of abuses but you must put up pictures of clinging to each other like Siamese Twins on a holiday. Never knew that ‘Missing him so much’ (when did you last see such a message from a man saying ‘Missing her so much…) was such a public affair (even though he has gone to Jaipur (from Delhi) on an official trip in the morning and will be back late in the evening.) Gal, what do you expect him to do (quit his job and stay at home)? But then who will buy you that designer handbag? Stop blabbering.
Shameless braggers: The less said about them, the better it’s. The bragger will put a status message like, ‘Met a man in Delhi metro… he said “you are on my FB and your status updates make my day”.’ Little Johny, please take a hike or just chill. Another bragger once put a status message like, ‘Who will be the next one?’ I seriously thought he’s talking about Indian cricket team’s next coach or something like that. Nope, he was talking about ‘who will be his No 1000’ friend?’ Then there are some who will shamelessly talk about their newly acquired swanky homes, cars and put pictures. Hello, there’s something called ‘class’ and there’s also something called ‘crass’. Find out the difference.
Then there are some ‘holier than thou’ souls who proudly proclaim to the world at the drop of a hat that they are hardly active on Facebook. They just have an account for their friends’ sake. (Mother Teresa could have picked up a lesson in generosity from them.) But they are the ones who upload their pictures clicked with balding stars, starlets, saas-bahu TV stars and item gals with great enthusiasm. Whom are you trying to fool??? Unfortunately, some of them are from my fraternity called ‘journos.’