It is the setting sun in the sky with its myriad colours. A favorite song on the repeat mode in my iPad. And there’s an ache in my heart. I look back at life that has passed by and it feels like a candle in the wind. Words feel like a dry river bed even as I lost my mom to cancer on October 18 following a five year long bitter battle. Somebody asked me the other day: how do you feel? I said an overwhelming sense of fatigue and honestly. I have never felt this tired in my life. And a strong intense sense of emptiness. Yes, I stick to deadlines at work and  I do my cooking and other things at home and people still complement me for my wacko sense of humor.


And  there are times I do think a lot about that dreaded word called cancer. Cancer is strange and erratic, it makes you swing between hope and despair. In the last five years,  many mornings started on a raga of hope but by evening it was despair tearing  your heart apart. My mom’s cancer made me erase everything that was irrelevant in my life. Suddenly ordinary moments became extraordinary.  But is there something called catharsis??? Right now, I would say there is nothing called catharsis…there’s nothing called anti-catharsis too. It’s just that you have to sail through life. If you can do that with grace and elegance, it is something to celebrate. And I wish I would soon forget that very very painful image of her lying on the hospital bed and embrace that so very wonderful memory of her moving around in the house effortlessly (yes, she was the queen of all that she surveyed) in a neatly plaited soft cotton sari with a matching blouse. May be I should look at the photographs more often and somehow hope for a magic wand  to bring back those  magical memories.  Peace and happiness, Ma.


2 thoughts on “Loss

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